These Super Bowl Commercials Sucked…

Perhaps they were politically incorrect, shitty quality, stupid…

This content is intended as satyrical reading for entertainment only; it does not endorse any negative activities mentioned herein.

As Super bowl LVII commercials become more expensive, they also become increasingly lame, stupid, and cringe as hell. During the 2023 Super Bowl, companies spent a record-breaking $7 million for a 30 second commercial. However, for me, most of that money went down the toilet, as the quality of the content was crap.

With Super Bowl odds higher than Tom Brady’s passing percentage, some companies still managed to fumble their commercials, leaving us wondering if they spent more time on their expensive lunches than on their lackluster content.

It’s a shame these companies didn’t bet on NFL fans having higher expectations for their Super Bowl commercials. With a $7 million price tag, we were hoping for more than a bunch of cringe-inducing ads that made us want to change the channel. Maybe next time, they’ll take their chances and bet on creating some quality content.

It’s not just me who is noticing a decline in quality when it comes to Super Bowl ads; there has been an outcry from other viewers as well, who are disappointed with the level of creativity that has gone into some of these multi-million pieces.

If you don’t believe me, here are a few of this year’s commercials that sucked big time.

GM and Netflix’s “Why Not an EV?”

It looks like GM and Netflix are strapped for cash, as they had to join forces to pay for one of the worst commercials I’ve ever seen. Talk about cringe. Will Ferrell, in a pretty obnoxious way, presents the alliance between the two companies and lets us in on the fact that we will see more electric GM cars in the Netflix shows.

Seriously? An ad to tell us that we will see more disguised ads inside the shows? Enough GM product placement in the Transformer movies already. Fuck that.

Squarespace’s “The Singularity”

Super bowl LVII commercials like these leaves me with mixed feelings. Perhaps you can help me out. I dig the Matrix vibe, and I think the concept was not too bad, but the execution is just lame. The commercial is nothing memorable, and the inclusion of Adam Driver is forced; the guy doesn’t contribute anything, and I imagine he only made the ad for the big game, for the big check.

By the way, if you haven’t seen the behind the scenes, you should.

T-Mobile’s “New Year, New Neighbor”

I dare you to watch this Super Bowl ad twice without gagging. The mix of concepts, actors, references, and music is like putting bleach, orange juice, meat sauce, and chocolate in a blender and drinking it with moonshine.

Scrubs (yes, the early 2000s show) stars Zach Braff and Donald Faison welcome John Travolta to the neighborhood with a musical number that wins the award for cringe of the decade.
Please, someone, tell John Travolta to drop the Grease references for good.

Rakuten’s “Not-so-Clueless”

Alicia Silverstone was one of my biggest crushes as a teenager, and she has become a true MILF. I was excited when I saw her in the Rakuten Super Bowl ad. But my excitement didn’t last long, as the ad was lame, boring, and the production looked cheesy. A lousy attempt to appeal to nostalgia, but I will still love Alicia, though.

Pepsi’s “Great Acting or Great Taste?”

I really don’t know what Pepsi is trying to do with this ad. Steve Martin tries to show off his incredible acting skills, but each performance looks more fake as the ad progresses. Is that intentional? Is it sarcasm? I have lost a couple neurons already trying to figure this out. Am I missing something? My conclusion is that I’d better keep drinking Coca-Cola.

Uber One’s “One Hit for Uber One”

This ad is dull and even humiliating. I understand that Kelis or Montell Jordan need some cash these days, but they didn’t understand that they were making fun of their one-hit wonders in this ad.

A pretentious proposal with too many references from many different decades and a message that is not clear, that additionally perpetuates the cliché of the soulless music industry that sells itself for money. Maybe I’m getting old, but I want to go back to the days of the Bud Bowl; those ads were entertaining and memorable.

FanDuel’s “Kick of Destiny”

I’ll leave this here and tiptoe my way out the door, but you can easily guess my feelings about the ad…

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